I feel fucking terrible right now. I am so angry. I am fully triggered, in a deep hole on anger and rage. I am aware of this. I am conscious of this and I’m having such a hard time letting it go.

I found out more insight into what’s going on with k and i’m just beside myself. This cycle of working on myself, growing, doubting and falling is so tiring. I’m just so surprised with myself on how disappointed I am in her. How she could act towards me so disrespectfully. I’m fucking furious. She put me on blast and worked hard to trash my reputation. I feel fucking disgusted with her.

I’m aware that i’m in the middle of it. I’m aware that these thoughts have no healing benefit, they provide no comfort and I’m stuck in the prison of my mind. I just want them out. I want to connect to them so I can remove them. I want to fucking kick down a door. I want to fucking beat the shit out of some fuckboy. I could rip someone’s throat out right now. I want to release this rage. It’s not a requirement. It’s with me but it’s not something I need to hold onto any more. My mood swings from calm to hateful. It’s annoying.

She refers to me as her ex. Which i get.. I guess I never realized that I don’t. I had always just called her my wife, since as of this moment, she is but we’re separated. I’m just fucking triggered. Maybe I’m holding on in more ways than I was aware. My rage wants to burn it. Burn everything and to hurt but my heart knows that this isn’t my path. I am the light that cuts through the darkness. It’s way more foreign for me to destroy than it is to love. But at the same time, if i’m your ex, then you are my ex and you lose my support. You no longer get to share my resources and our time is done. In the words of the breakup song of 2019 that I’m sure you and your girlfriends played a million times, thank u, next

This fucking sucks. I’d love a smoke right now. I smoked a mapacho last night at 3am because I was going crazy. At least I did it with intention, consciousness and prayer.

I’ve screamed into pillows. Broke down and cried my fucking face off with hurt tears. I’m so fucking spent and tired. No surprise my dreams last night were crazy. I do feel like they are getting more promising. For the past few weeks my dreams have been intense and when I look up the dream meanings they usually not the best — massive amounts of emotional work to do. Being blocked without having goals. Unnecessary stress and judgement of yourself. You lack respect for yourself. At least today’s dreams are starting to get towards the right path. The big ones included swimming in a relatively clean pond at my home, seeing fish and big breasted redheads that were really fun to talk to.

This diet is so fucking hard. My core wants to do ANYTHING right now to move this energy. I would love to smoke. I would smoke weed, I’d totally do some harder drugs, I’d love a drink right now and I’m so randomly horny is amazingly annoying. My body needs to move. I feel like I could maui thai kick down a fucking tree while spending hours being absolutely filthy in bed. It’s amazing and weird.

In the teaching of good old Eckhart – ‘oh, so this is the feeling of being full of angry rage with a desire for destruction and fucking’. Very enlightening.

I was able to catch myself many times. I was able to label and identify myself being unconscious, that I’m falling into thought patterns. It’s just so much harder to catch yourself at 3am with this pattern happening every few minutes for hours.

I go back into myself, then a thought slips into my mind. Her doing her own thing, working out, getting hot, going on dates, to some how claim herself again. I get it, I’m doing it too but it’s just petty. I feel like she’s got so much drama that she needs to deal with that it’s best that she’s far from my fucking life right now. I’m just working on making sure I stay focused in my lane. It’s a very slippery slope when I look over. Some of our friends I really care about, the majority of the others, I don’t really care that much for those people anyway. I’m just envious because I would like my own close friends like that. The ones I did have in Toronto, didn’t really like her that much anyway and I kind of closed off relationships with them. It’s my fault, but people change and I invested with her.

Overall, i’m raging out in my bed here, screaming into a pillow, trying to calm down while finding myself falling into patterns of thinking about how i can get my stuff back and figuring out how to get rid of hers. I’m so burnt out. I need a fucking break from this life. A break from this relationship and thought pattern. I’m still working on my affirmations, my acknowledgements and my internal conversations but they have been a bit foggier the last few days since my sleeping has been so off but on the plus side, I have had some really amazing positive days. I’m still optimistic about things but I’m becoming impatient. I just don’t want to waste my time, youth, resources on anything else that’s not serving me. My mental and physical health, my life, my love is the most important thing in the world.

I am a beautiful man full of love. Every step I take I breath in love. I am also a fucking dragon and I want to burn your fucking village down while I fuck a lady dragon on your previous home’s ashes.