I’ve been working hard for many years to learn to let go. Let go of thought, judgement, anything that doesn’t serve me. Knowing that concept intellectually and actually putting it into practice are two completely separate things. Recently I’ve been struggling to get to a place where I can accept the facts that I’ve been unable to connect to emotionally and to actually release these thoughts into the ether.

I’m currently letting go of two major themes. The relationship with my partner for over 12 years and the false narratives I’ve held as truths about myself for over 30 years. Coincidentally, the actions and decisions that have brought me to this moment have come together to address these topics at the same time.

In my previous post, I realized how long I’ve been holding onto a narrative that I’m a complete failure. Someone who doesn’t deserve happiness, friends, love, a great career – that somehow my journey in life is to suffer and endure.. to just be the support person for someone else’s epic life. Behind it all, I know that these thoughts are false. I know that I’m incredible but man, it’s sometimes very hard to remember that. I know these thoughts don’t actually represent me but when left unchecked, they can come together in massive panic attacks that can leave me completely drained… In the words of Eckhart Tolle – my pain body was feed. In the recent days, I’ve been working very hard to stay conscious. To be aware of the emotions and thoughts that are negative and not serving me and to stay as conscious as possible to break the cycle — it’s fucking hard work. It’s extremely tough but the good news is that I’m definitely making progress. The daily exercises of presence awareness, staying conscious, observing & labeling negative thoughts along with actively seeding accurate, loving thoughts is a lot of work but it’s starting to pay off.

Over the past week I’ve had a few moments where I was definitely tested. I had a dream where I was in a coffee shop with k and it was so vivid it was as though it happened before. We were hanging out and she made a comment along the lines of ‘I can’t imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship with someone I didn’t want to be with’. In my dream my heart sank. I’ve felt that many times in the past and I always just felt ‘gross’. What I’m realizing is that I have always felt extremely guilty. I love her so deeply, we’ve invested so much into our life, our friends, our adventures, everything but I knew that it wasn’t going anywhere. We were stuck and I had to leave. Having to come to terms that I no longer can be with someone who was and is, so special to me is absolutely rattling my identity to the core and even feeling that in my dream was just such an immense guilt. In my dream I remember feeling so sick to my stomach and thinking ‘God, when if we ever break up it will fucking kill me… who would I be without this relationship?, who would I be without her in my life’ but at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel like it had to be done or that it will happen at some point. I woke up in that moment, in my own own bed, in my new apartment and I realized instantly that I’m living that ‘nightmare’. I’m in the middle of it and I’m only starting to actually soak in that reality that we are no longer in each other’s lives even though I haven’t even seen or talked to her in almost 6 months. I felt emotional. I don’t know what I felt but it wasn’t good. In a strategy that I had kind of learned a few days earlier, I went into meditation, I relaxed and I had a conversation with that guy. To the guy in the cafe who felt so scared and nervous, I told him it was time to let go. Let go of her, let go of feeling guilty for wanting to be out of the relationship, let go of feeling like a failure because you couldn’t make it work, let go of her. Let go of her as your partner, as your soul mate, as your best friend. Just let go. Like all great inter-personal conversations, I cried my fucking face off. I had a gross, ugly, hard cry but it was needed. Unlike the negative thoughts though, I (this Matt right now) was still there and I was connecting with a part of myself that felt shame, failure, sadness, loss, anger, frustration, all of it. After a few minutes, I got myself together and felt like a sheet of emotion was pulled off my body. I felt lighter. I’m far from out of the woods but I was able to let go of a massive part. How the fuck do you actually let someone go?

A few days later I was being haunted about two other feelings/thoughts – how I’d never see my cat again and how I’d never get to speak to m’s family again. On Saturday morning I sat down and wrote a really long letter to m’s family. I thanked them for our time together, how privileged I felt for being included in some big family moments and how I appreciate what they provided / taught me over the years. In the end I was really proud of what I wrote – which I didn’t send – but at least I got it out of my head. I cried hard, hit save and closed Word. For my cat, I hand wrote her a letter. I told her about how excited we were when we got her, how much she means to me and how I will always love her. It was fucking heart breaking. Eye rolling or not, she’s the closest thing I have to a daughter and I miss her. She was and always has been mommy’s girl but still… it fucking sucks. Again, cried my face off to the point where I almost ruined the letter with watermarks. In both scenarios, I tried to feel as much of that emotion as I could, be there with myself in my present consciousness for support and to release, release, release. The feelings subsided, I felt relaxed and the emotions surrounding those things have started to feel way more closed.

There have been a few more instances where I get stuck thinking about k. I’ll see her pop into my life accidentally via emails or what have you and my mind wants to either long for the times we had before, beating myself up for not understanding things sooner or for being angry that she’s doing her own thing without me. In all of these, I try my best to get myself present, to thank the past for being exactly that – the past and how that has shaped me regardless if it’s good things or not and to not ’emotionally’ react. I can observe, I can acknowledge but I can also let go. I have the power to choose which thoughts I entertain or dismiss and as much as something inside me wants to hold onto the past, every time I do this exercise I reminded of that fact — it’s the past. My current self just hasn’t quite remembered that all the time yet but I’m working at it. I’m hurting a lot but interestingly I’ve also had days where I haven’t felt as positive, energized or like myself in years. The shift is starting. Everyday, in every way, I’m getting better and better.

Yesterday I was talking to a co-worker who commented – ‘oh, I never noticed the two tattoos you have on your wrists’. I looked down and did an internal laugh. I had forgotten too..

The triangle represents change (Delta – ?) as in – Everything is change

The square represents choice (□) as in – You can choose on how you respond to that change

I literally forgot my own message to myself that I got FUCKING TATTOOED ON ME! Go figure. But I’m remembering. I’m remembering that I always have a choice on how to respond and that when I forget, I’m in reaction and reactions are not the solution.

Overall this week I’ve learned a few new tricks.

• Writing is extremely important for me. It’s a fantastic mechanism for me to connect to my emotional self and to release.
• There are going to be more triggering thoughts and events, when they reach the surface, find a time, write about them and let that emotion out in a healthy way.
• I am my own best support and therapist when processing these feelings. My inner wisdom has lead me down a path where I’m starting to trust my own processes and judgements way more than I ever have.
• Show every thought with gratitude, if it still hurts then thinking about it is just going to emotionalize it and charge it up. At least with gratitude you’re exercising the part of yourself that is remembering that you can change the narrative so that in the future it will at least become neutral or better yet, out of mind if it doesn’t serve.

Man, this diet I’m on is good but it’s a doozy. I hope this helps. It helped me even just writing it out.

Remember, Remember, Remember – Everything changes, you get to choose how to respond so connect and let them go if they no longer serve. As a friend of mine always says

Nourish or Nothing

If it doesn’t nourish, you want nothing to do with it. Remember, Remember, Remember.