Through out my diet I’ve been having a lot of dreams. Every night I’ll have at least 3 or 4 solid ones and at times there are some definite patterns. If I’m lucky, I wake up from my mega dream around 4am – 5am or so, go pee (thanks IF) and try to get back to sleep. Most nights I can fall back in, have a few more dreams before I wake up around 7am – 8am. When my evenings are tough, I’m haunted by k. I’m haunted by her life, by her actions, by her words, by her being. I want her to stop being on my mind. I work hard to follow my mindfulness practices while I’m in twilight. I attempt to connect deep with my body, to shut out the mind, to be one with the now, experience every sensation and allow the gratitude to rise. Other times I lose that fight. I want to smoke cigarettes or mapacho, yell, cry, punch things and get angry. I’ll kick my sheets, gnash my teeth and freak the fuck out. Sometimes if poor cuc’s is around I’ll have to chase him out of my room otherwise his meowing will get to me and I’ll scream at him.

With the last few days it’s been really tough. My beautiful peaceful evenings are a time of desperate meditation practices, stressful dreams and sadness.

My dreams and the thoughts of k have made things tough. Lately there’s been a theme that’s forming that I’m trying to make sense of. The following has the record for being the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. The themes are repeating in my dreams a lot these days and I know there’s a message in her but I haven’t figured it out yet except seeing a sort of pattern.

When I was in grade 9, especially the first semester, I had a really tough time with bullies. My parents were teachers at the local feeder schools to my high school and by the time I got to high school, a lot of the kids knew who I was simply because they weren’t fans of my parents. Kids being kids, assholes being assholes, for those first 4 months I was harassed pretty bad. I had guys that threatened to kick the shit out of me, people isolating me out in the cafeteria and screaming in my face that I’m a fucking loser and shouldn’t be sitting at their table and the worst time was when I was walking to the mall for lunch with my friends and 4 other ‘bully’ guys came up behind me and literally spit on me, my back and my face for a solid 30 minutes. My friends got scared and did nothing. I got scared and did nothing. I just took it. I didn’t want to fight, I didn’t know how to stand up for myself, I was scared and in shock and just went with the flow. I thought that by doing nothing i’d win by ‘turning the other cheek’… I think I got that verse wrong because I directed a lot of that frustration towards myself as a fucking loser. We got to the mall, my entire back and everything was covered in spit. It was fucking gross. I went home that night, told my parents and got stuck in the 9th grade guy mentality of do I tell and be a snitch or say nothing and be a pussy. I told. They got in trouble. They gave me a hard time about it but it stopped. I’ve been weirdly traumatized by that ever since. I have never been in a fight. I have a small number of times, stood up for myself. When I do, people freak out on me, say that i’m being violent, aggressive, all this other shit and sadly, I’ll listen, calm down and submit. There’s a weird balance there. The buddha might not have yelled but his surrender to the now was an act of empowerment, not preservation. I feel like I missed a detail here. I have let other’s will and wants become the normal because I didn’t want conflict but it’s at the cost of me. When does it make sense to let go vs fight because you’re right. In the past I minimized myself to not get bullied, now I feel a bit I minimize myself not to be labeled one.

That spitting moment was the single worst day of my life. I felt like a fucking pussy, worthless and deserved to die. I internalized that I’m a weak person, that my opinions are invalid and others take advantage of me. With k it’s kind of repeating itself. She’s gone far beyond anyone I’ve encountered, even those high school days to try and ruin my relationship and to make sure that people think of me as my nightmare – a rage filled, angry, sexist, racist, inconsiderate monster. I know i need to just let that go but for some reason today, what really stuck with me was how could she do that? How could she work so hard and invest so much energy to trash me? Regardless of whatever I did, I could never do that to her. It just hurt my feelings.

Those grade 9 bullies and now my 39 year old ex have triggered the same feelings. k might as well have spit in my face a hundred times, it still hurts more than those fucking idiots who did it to me in real life.

I just want to learn how to stand up for myself. To permit myself to be just who I am without bowing to the pressure of someone else’s shit saying i’m raging or whatever. To let go of the people who won’t return my texts or phone calls any more. Like the thought of someone’s spit all over your face.. it’s fucking gross and makes me sick to my stomach.

The interesting part was that during our relationship, I had another ex do everything in her power to try to destroy k. She tried to get her fired, de-friended all of it. k knows exactly how disgusting that is and she’s definitely way worse than the other girl. So weird. I guess i would have thought that k would have learned her karma. Instead she’s just making more for herself. Kind of sad actually.

When I started writing this I was not in a good place. I was disgusted with k and to feel as frustrated as I was. Now i’m more relaxed and oddly again, I just feel bad for her. She’s acting really gross and yeah, i dont want any of that around me. What catches me off guard is seeing what part of her behaviour keeps surprising / disappointing me and how much I don’t want to be even associated with her. I read a whole bunch of emails last night that I wrote to her and I’m extremely happy with my responses. Hers, not so much.

It’s clearer now how manipulative she’s being. How she’s in complete delusion over things and according to the people I talk to, she’ll be that way for years. Poor thing. I just got to keep remembering that she’s full of shit and to let her go.

Like the fucking grade 9 idiots, karma will come back. They’re making more and i’m trying to break mine.

I’m on the path to my salvation.. the joke is, I forget a lot of the times but I’m remembering. I’m remembering who I am, how strong I am and what I stand for.

I’ve had 3 dreams in the last month where people spit in my face literally.. I wonder if i’m finally getting closer to a solution. Instead of clamming up, maybe one of these times I’ll go full fucking beast and rip someone’s fucking throat out.. or maybe i’ll turn the other cheek and figure out what enlightenment means.